Monday, 22 June 2015

Quarter-Life Crisis and realisations

The title of this is so cliche it makes me feel a bit sick and I don't even know if a 'quarter life crisis' is even a thing, is it? 

Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you about the fact that I'm a bit fed up with adulting at the moment, I'm not right keen on this responsibilities lark and I sure as hell don't like missing out on so much sleep. I used to be able to get up at 12pm with absolutely no consequence, I used to have a Thursday cleaning lady (my nana) who used to tidy up my bedroom to stop it getting in such a state that you couldn't see the floor and my mum did everything for me (she even used to bring me a bowl of Weetabix every morning to try and coax me out of bed). I was spoiled as a child, not so much in the sense of money (although I always had nice things), but in the sense that I was never forced to really do anything for myself. Then I moved out and BAM! I had to get up in the morning with only the aid of a very loud, obnoxious alarm clock and I don't bloody like it anymore. I've had enough.


I expected my 20's to be completely and utterly different to how they actually are, I expected to be totally carefree, without ties, without really any worry for anyone but myself. The harsh reality is that I have a full time job (not one that I expect to have, but we'll get on to that), I have bills to pay and I have a husband to please. Just recently I went through a stage where I felt hard done to, I felt like I was the only one not having fun all the time, I was the only one with responsibilities... I felt like the only proper adult out of all the people my age. The reality is that all my friends are adults with very real responsibilities (some with responsibilities that actually eat and breathe and make nice little parcels inside nappies), I just haven't cared to look outside my own little bubble and realise that I am a grown up.

I had a little breakdown moment last week where I panicked a bit. I worried that I wasn't doing what I wanted in my life and that it was just passing me by without me stopping to actually enjoy it. Then I realised that there was one common denominator in why I feel like this: me. My own conscience is what holds me back. Fair enough I could technically walk away from my job and tell Jason that I wasn't doing it and I was going to go and do xyz and I could tell him that I wasn't going to be there to help co-ordinate a function because I wanted to go out with the lasses. But I am an adult with responsibilities, I can't be selfish. I know that I also need a life outside of my marriage and job but with a bit of careful juggling, the three should go hand in hand quite nicely without me having to feel guilty for neglecting anyone or anything. 

I've gone through some pretty big personal changes over the past 2 years and most of those changes are down to me losing weight, I was adamant it wouldn't change me and I'm certain that it hasn't changed me in a negative way but it has changed me. I'm a more confident person now, I want to live my life and I aren't embarrassed anymore so the whole juggling thing is quite a new thing because before I was quite happy to plod along as I was but now I want more. I've said yes to more things over the past 6-8 months or so than I have in the last 5 years and I absolutely love having a social life back. 

My job was the next thing to come under scrutiny; doing what I do now isn't what I expected to be doing at all. If you asked me at 16 what I was going to be doing aged 25 I would have said living in London working for a big retail company or being a teacher, two different paths I know but one of those is honestly where I thought I'd be now. There are times when I love what I do, honestly love it but there's also times when I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall but then I realised that probably 80% of people, if not more, feel like that about their job because it's work. If we all got paid to do something that we absolutely loved 100% of the time, well wouldn't that be a wonderful world to live in!

The bottom line is that I have realised that although I come across as being quite grown up and mature, there are times when I'm actually not and I'm actually quite immature when it comes to manning up to my adult responsibilities. However, I'm hoping that I'm not alone in these feelings I've had about being an adult, is it normal to not want to do it, or am I just being a bit stupid?!

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